Feeling suicidal? Awaiting your turn at the gallows? Never fear! POM will somehow make those things not happen! It alleviates suicidal tendencies by supplanting them with the desire for revenge against the company that sold you this syrupy concentrate garbage for upwards of $3, and each POM purchased comes with a coupon for free governmental pardon (not valid for non-gallows related sentences.)

Earth to Rep. Louise Slaughter and John Kerry: Stop sending me emails. You guys are idiots. I don't know why I signed up for your email lists, it must have been a liberal impulse during the last election or one of the various ensuing scandals, and I don't want to unsubscribe so much as I want to prevent the two of you from ever sending another email again. Democrats, especially ones with newsletters, are all decry and no deliver.

The causes are a little easier to stomach than the loser Democrats (nobody loses like Democrats - especially you, Kerry, you stink, you hear? Stink!!), but I have reached the end of my tolerance for those as well. I refer to the Humane Society, PFAW (how the hell ever I got on that list) and, it pains me to say it, Moveon. I just don't want to get so many crappy emails! I can only be outraged about so many things, and my lot in life is taking precedent right now. I'll get back to you when I'm rich and philanthropish.

The Humane Society has an ongoing epic about saving some kind of wild horses. I helped initially by forwarding the petition around (it seems the biggest way you can help anyone or anything on the internet is to forward their lousy crap around to everyone you know ((I'm not even acknowledging the possibility that a newsletter would move someone to donate money, even though the option is always there, pot-shot though it may be))) and then I received an email saying the horses were saved. I was happy for the horses, and felt good about myself for contributing to their salvation by forwarding the details of their plight (I don't remember what the deal was anymore) to all my compassionate contacts. Then a day later I got another email saying the horses were still in trouble and that there was a continuing dire need for continued email forwarding and fat-chance donations. After that I continued to get emails featuring pictures of horses and more text than I cared to read, and it occurred to me that the only thing one gets when trying to affect social change on the internet is subscriptions to superfluous newsletters.